remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
