your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
