im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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