i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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