I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
