living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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