sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
