He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
