He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
