Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
