I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
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Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
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I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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