I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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