Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
