you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
