Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
