Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
