i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
