God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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