I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
