How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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