The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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