Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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