when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
