my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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