Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize