Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
