Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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