The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
