we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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