I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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