I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize