yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
