i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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