Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
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He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
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so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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