"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
