his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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