I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
