it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize