My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
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The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
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There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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