between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
