i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Life is so much better after having sex.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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