dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
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Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
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I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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