Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
