everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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