I could make wine with my vomit
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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