I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
