i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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