Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My first STD was from a foam party
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
