my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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