i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
