God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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