Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
