Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
