You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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