It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
