I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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